Venting to a friend can make you closer, but it can also backfire

Have you ever found yourself venting about one friend to another? Of course you have, we all have – it’s quite common. However, the bigger question remains: Does venting actually help to lessen your frustration, or serve any other purpose?

Research conducted by UCLA psychologists suggests that venting might not necessarily be cathartic, but it could help you bond with the friend you’re venting to.

The research was led by Jaimie Krems, an associate professor of psychology at UCLA. She and her team argue that contrary to popular belief, venting may not always help to decrease our anger. Instead, the research points towards a novel “alliance view” of venting.

Venting to a friend

Digging deeper into the world of venting, Krems’ team found it can be an effective form of competition, often making listeners feel closer to the person venting and like the target less.

Interestingly, the tables turn when the person venting overtly devalues or appears aggressive towards the friend they’re venting about.

Most of us might believe that venting can provide a sense of relief, thanks to Freud’s catharsis theory. However, since the 1950s, it’s been clear that venting doesn’t reliably decrease anger and sometimes even amplifies it.

The real benefits of venting, according to Krems and her colleagues, are the strengthening of bonds that might pay off in the future, and the improved health and happiness enjoyed by people who are well-liked by their friends.

Venting in different contexts

The researchers conducted multiple experiments involving scenarios where participants listen to a friend venting or gossiping about a mutual friend. Participants, after reading the scenario, were asked to rate their feelings about both the speaker and the target friend.

The results showed that participants who heard people vent about a friend canceling on them had a higher liking for the venting speaker than for the friend being vented about.

However, this wasn’t the case when the venting speaker devalued the target friend for the same behavior, shared neutral gossip or vented about unrelated issues, such as car troubles.

Venting and its competitive edge among friends

The study results suggest that venting might be an effective, albeit subtle, tool of competition for listeners’ affections – but only when it isn’t perceived as an aggressive act.

If we were to try and draw any benefit from this, one can say that if we’re liked relatively more by our friends, we might stand a chance of receiving preferential treatment.

But the benefits extend beyond material gains. Better-liked friends often enjoy improved health, well-being, longevity and even economic mobility.

Here’s the tweak, though: This competition doesn’t necessarily have to be a conscious process. Sometimes, being oblivious to the competitive aspect might even work best.

The psychology of venting

Understanding the dynamics of venting unveils a tapestry of psychological implications that influence the way friendships are navigated.

This mechanism of sharing grievances may act as a social lubricant, easing tensions and reinforcing communal ties, as suggested by Krems’ research. Notably, it fosters an environment in which individuals feel validated and understood, thereby enhancing emotional resilience.

However, the inherent competitive edge of venting raises questions about its ethical dimensions. Are we, perhaps inadvertently, leveraging our friends’ vulnerabilities to elevate our standing within our social circles?

As we contemplate these nuances, it becomes essential to engage in mindful communication. Balancing the instinct to vent with an awareness of its broader implications may lead to healthier friendships grounded in mutual respect and understanding.

Thus, venting, while it may seem innocuous or even beneficial on the surface, requires careful consideration to ensure that it truly serves to fortify rather than fracture relationships.

Art of venting to a friend

Krems suggests that people can be deeply strategic about what they vent about and to whom, even if they aren’t aware of it. But every coin has two sides, and venting can backfire too, especially when those venting are perceived as aggressive or choose an inappropriate subject or person to vent to.

The takeaway? People are feeling lonelier than ever. This puts even greater pressure on us to understand how friendships work. “As much as we want it to be all unicorns and rainbows, sometimes it’s more like a koala: cuddly but also vicious,” said Krems.

The study is published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.

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