Parents treat their children differently - but do they have a favorite?

From childhood spats to shared memories and cherished traditions, there’s a unique bond that ties siblings together. But there’s one topic that’s a perennial cause for discussion: who’s the favorite child?

Alex Jensen, a professor from BYU School of Family Life, shed some valuable insights on this playful contest in his recent research, which examines the subtle displays of parental favoritism influenced by birth order, personality, and gender.

Younger siblings vs. older siblings

According to Professor Jensen, parents generally treat their children differently based on birth order, often having a favorite.

Younger siblings often receive more attention, warmth, and support from parents. This could be because parents have more experience raising children by the time the younger ones arrive, making them more relaxed and affectionate.

On the other hand, older siblings tend to gain more independence as they grow up. Parents are usually stricter with their firstborns but gradually become less controlling over time.

Since older siblings are the first to experience different stages of life, parents may place higher expectations on them to be responsible and self-sufficient.

In short, younger siblings may get more emotional support, while older ones receive more freedom. This difference in treatment can shape sibling relationships and influence how children perceive fairness in their families.

“It is helpful to take the findings from this study and be aware of the patterns that could be happening in your family,” Jensen said. “When parents are aware, they can make small adjustments that benefit everyone.”

Do parents favor daughters?

The researchers found that parents tend to favor daughters slightly more than sons, often seeing them as the favorite child.

This preference appears in different ways, such as how parents interact with their children and how they distribute resources like money, time, and attention. Interestingly, while parents are aware of this bias, children themselves do not seem to notice it.

The researchers analyzed data from 19,469 participants. The results showed that both mothers and fathers are more likely to treat daughters with warmth, engage in more positive interactions with them, and provide them with more resources compared to sons.

This could be due to cultural expectations, emotional closeness, or the perception that daughters require more protection and support.

Even though this favoritism is subtle, it can still influence how children perceive their relationships with their parents and siblings. Understanding these tendencies can help parents ensure fairness and strengthen family bonds.

Personality of favorite child matters

It’s not just birth order or gender that matters – personality also influences favoritism. The study revealed that children who are more conscientious and agreeable receive better treatment, regardless of whether they are the eldest or youngest.

“Most parents probably connect more easily with one child over another, whether that be due to personality, birth order, gender or other things like shared interests,” Jensen said.

“Watch for those patterns within yourself. Pay attention to how your children react to things that could be perceived as favoritism.”

One surprising finding? Extraversion didn’t seem to impact favoritism. “Americans seem to particularly value extraverted people, but within families it may matter less,” Jensen noted.

Why being the favorite child matters

Favoritism in families goes beyond small privileges like getting the biggest slice of cake – it can have serious emotional and psychological effects on children.

When a child feels less favored by their parents, they may struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, or feelings of rejection. This emotional distress can lead to changes in their behavior, such as acting out, withdrawing socially, or experiencing difficulty in school.

Research suggests that children who perceive themselves as less favored are more likely to develop mental health challenges, including depression and behavioral issues.

They may seek attention through rebellious actions or disengage from family interactions altogether. This dynamic can also create resentment toward siblings, weakening family relationships over time.

Parents may not always be aware of these effects, but favoritism can leave a lasting impact.

“Keep an eye out for things that seem unfair. Your children will let you know if they think something is unfair,” Jensen said. “Either they are missing perspective and understanding, or you need to make some changes in your parenting. Make sure you are open to the latter.”

What can parents do?

Parents don’t need to feel guilty, but they should be mindful of these patterns. Jensen emphasizes that favoritism isn’t always intentional – it often happens naturally based on personality and circumstances.

“Sometimes parents get so concerned about treating their kids the same that they may overlook individual needs,” he said.

“We’re not suggesting parents feel guilty; instead, parents can look at this research and use it as encouragement to look at places where they can improve, without going to extremes.”

Strengthening family bonds

Favoritism can impact sibling relationships, but awareness can help parents make positive changes. The study from BYU School of Family Life encourages families to focus on connection rather than comparison.

“The simple answers are perhaps the best. Be patient with yourself and with your children,” Jensen said.

“Spend time together. Do things together that you like to do. Do things together that your children like to do. Work together, serve others together, worship together. Relationships take time and time together doing a variety of things will have many positive benefits.”

So, if you’re wondering whether your sibling really is the “golden child,” the answer might not be so simple. It’s not just about being the oldest, the youngest, or even the most charming – it’s about personality, responsibility, and sometimes, just how easy you are to deal with.

The study is published in the journal Psychological Bulletin.

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