Making a partner jealous hurts relationships much more often than it helps

You’ve probably heard the age-old belief that if your partner garners attention from others, it’ll make them seem more attractive to you and save your relationship, right?

But what if this notion is a tad off the mark? That’s exactly what new research discovered — the reaction to third-party interest in our partners might not be what we’d expect.

In a deeply insightful study conducted by Prof. Gurit Birnbaum and Prof. Doron Friedman, affiliated with the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology at Reichman University, a new perspective on relationship dynamics is unveiled.

The focus? How your partner’s popularity with others can influence your level of attraction, commitment, and competitiveness.

Choosing relationship partners

Picking a life partner is, without a doubt, one of the most critical decisions we ever make. It’s like signing up for a marathon — influencing the course of your life profoundly, shaping your happiness, and directing your journey.

Naturally, humans have devised strategies overtime to ease this process — like observing how others react to potential partners.

This is what scientists refer to as “mate-choice copying,” a phenomenon witnessed across numerous species.

Partners attention in relationship

Previous research confirms that witnessing others’ desire for a potential mate tends to enhance their appeal in our eyes. Interestingly, this doesn’t end once we’ve cuffed up.

The evaluations continue, with our view of our partners significantly influenced by how attractive others find them.

But here’s the catch — this external attention can stir different reactions, depending on whether you’re scouting for a partner or already in a relationship.

Current partner conundrum

The experiment sought to unpack what happens when the attention is shifted towards our current partners.

Specifically, how does observing others flirt with our partner influence our perception of their attractiveness, the effort to maintain the relationship, and the instinct to ward off competing attention?

Does it fan the flames of desire, or does it make us insecure?

How the study was conducted

The research involved three separate experiments.

Participants in committed relationships were walked through scenarios where their partner either received unwanted attention or had a neutral interaction with a third party.

The participants then rated their sexual desire for their partner, their willingness to make sacrifices for the relationship, and their urge to ward off the competitor.

In each attempt, the exposure to external attention directed at the partner was manipulated differently.

The first experiment used the power of imagination, the second leveraged the immersive nature of virtual reality, while the third delved into participants’ real-life experiences.

Revealing results

Across all the experiments, a recurring theme emerged: when participants observed others showing interest in their partner, their desire for their partner declined.

Their inclination to make sacrifices for the relationship also decreased, while their urge to drive off competitors intensified.

“We were in Tel Aviv, when suddenly this guy shows up and asks for my girlfriend’s number. I got annoyed, like, who does he think he is?! My girlfriend quickly brushed him off, but my mind was already racing with questions: What if she finds him attractive? Might I lose her? Would she be happier with him?” one participant noted.

“While some people might attempt to make their partner jealous by attracting attention from others, hoping to feel more desirable or secure, research indicates that this tactic can backfire. Rather than strengthening the relationship, it may undermine the very bond it seeks to enhance,” states Prof. Gurit Birnbaum of Reichman University.

Relationship dynamics from partners

The findings from this study challenge traditional assumptions about jealousy and attraction towards your partner within romantic relationships.

By revealing that external interest can diminish a partner’s allure rather than enhance it, the research prompts a reevaluation of how jealousy is perceived.

An overreliance on provoking jealousy as a method of increasing desirability could, in fact, result in emotional detachment and questioning of relational stability.

This apprehension suggests that cultivating a secure, affirming environment may be a more effective strategy for fostering long-term relational health.

Understanding these dynamics is crucial for therapists and counselors guiding couples through relationship challenges, helping them navigate beyond potentially harmful tactics in search of genuine intimacy and connection.

Future directions

The groundbreaking results from the Reichman University study open new avenues for research in the field of psychology, specifically concerning mate-choice dynamics and relationships.

Future studies might explore the psychological mechanisms behind mate-choice copying and its variance across different cultures and relationship contexts.

Additionally, there is potential to delve deeper into virtual reality’s role as a tool for simulating and studying complex social interactions that impact relationship psychology.

Such explorations can further elucidate the nuanced interplay between individual psychological processes and the external social environment driving attraction and commitment.

By continuing to investigate these elements, future research can contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of human relational behavior and promote strategies for nurturing healthier, more resilient partnerships.

Why is this important?

Sure, witnessing others’ interest in a potential partner might make them more attractive initially, but in a committed relationship, the same attention might have the opposite effect.

It seems the fear of losing a partner might drive us to create an emotional distance and limit our investment in the relationship.

Meanwhile, any aggression towards the rival is not so much about preserving the relationship but more about the natural human desire for revenge.

The study is published in The Journal of Sex Research.

—–

Like what you read? Subscribe to our newsletter for engaging articles, exclusive content, and the latest updates. 

Check us out on EarthSnap, a free app brought to you by Eric Ralls and Earth.com.

—–